A New Year

I spent the last month without cannabis and that turned into a month without projects, because losing THC left me feeling empty for weeks. I was disappointed in that at first, but in retrospect it did wonders for my mental health.

Losing the drive to be productive forced me to loosen the pressure valves. With nothing to produce, I was left with a void, and I filled it by looking inward in a healthy, productive way. I worked on being well - through expressive writing, caring for myself, caring for my family. I was just human for a time and this is the best I’ve felt in a year.

It makes me nervous to think about this, because I feel so good right now, but I want to get back to work. I have a prototype of a game that I haven’t touched since September, and it’s calling to me. I’m not sure how to fit this hobby of mine in mindfully - I’m not sure that I ever have before - there are just so many things that must be done and so little room for me. And while I love to solve problems, to make things, I don’t know if I can avoid letting (or making) a passion project turn into stress. When it doesn’t live up to my expectations, I don’t live up to my expectations, and I’m not sure how to change that.

I suppose what I need is to continue to reflect on myself. On my feelings, thoughts and actions. So I can recognize when they’re becoming unhealthy. So I know when to loosen the valves.

I have a plan, to help keep this feeling around in 2024. It’s not very detailed, but I’ve learned a few lessons this year.

I’ll keep a journal. I often don’t know what or how I feel until I’ve written it down. It lets me work through it, to see the pain points, the heartaches illustrated. It also lets me see the good, not just now, but later when I re-read.

I’m leaving weed behind. It doesn’t do anything for me except dull the ache of boredom and it’s too easy to let it turn into a habit. It hurts my sleep (literally stops me from dreaming) and it shrinks my life. It burns me out and I don’t think that I’ll miss it. I’m four weeks in now and I feel determined on that.

I won’t let negative feelings linger. They fester like a wound, and most often are dealt with much more simply. If somebody hurts me, I am not responsible for it, and possibly neither are they. The best way to deal with it is to talk to them. They can’t explain themselves if you don’t give them the opportunity, and they can’t apologise if they don’t know they’ve done anything wrong.

I’ll take the time to breathe. Slowly, deeply, and with purpose. I’ll Watch the sun set whenever I can, to see the gold, pink, and purple light spilling through tree branches or dancing off distant glass towers. I’ll Look up to the night sky, to feel small, to feel awe. I’ll make time to think closely about what matters, so I never forget to take care. I’ll work with my hands to feel the substance of the world around me, because I’m not just in it, I’m part of it.

That’s all that I have, really. A few ways to be human. If I can keep them in mind I think this next year will be a good one.